The Purpose of Life II
- Ondy Ho
- Apr 7, 2019
- 4 min read
(Part I would be the very first post) Strange feelings there has been... for the past couple of weeks and intensified by, well, no one. For the whole time I just wanted to do what was right, teach people "the right way", help friends/family "the right way", and live "the right way". I've been feeding on my motivation and faith while creating them out of air. I thought I was strong.
People have heard me saying that I'm a man with simple needs, English, education, and family. For more than a decade, I've searched for my role in the former two. For the later, I got a bit lost and thought maybe there's no need for kids at all.
The lifestyle I chose and the philosophy I live by got me this far but they seem to have stopped. I gave up mainstream jobs and deeply believe that they're wrong. Long hours, work ethics, and purpose... are all wrong. I work three jobs now, however, allowing me to have more freedom and time to rest. Neither of these jobs are going to get people rich but it's the sense of purpose that I desire.
The school job in the morning grants me a somewhat steady 6 hours a week (unless National holiday) and I won't shy away from telling everyone that it's only 4K-5K a month. The school initiates a placement which separates lower level students. As a result, full-time English teachers at school focus on about 5+ students while putting me in charge of 20+ "elite" students. For the record, it wasn't a real level placement but instead, an exclusion of the especially weak, which I don't support. Nonetheless, I teach on. Starting this new semester, I began focusing on extra material and very little school tasks. There's a lot of YouTube involved. Freedom of learning and critical thinking are my key aspects. It means that they could choose to learn or not. Although the administration would likely NOT approve my method once they start to care and audit my class, I'm doing it anyways.
My co-learning idea was brought up in "An Attitude to Live By" a while ago. So far it pays 32K for 4 kids that come to me after school and until 18:00, with a total of 26 hours a week. I'm their teacher, guardian, and friend as my main task is to ensure that they have a memorable childhood. They also help me with a clear conscious. We eat, play, travel and sleep. Their growth is rewarding.
Free The Language is my ultimate goal and you already know how much or little I make by [Courses] on the upper right. The whole concept aligns with my two other day jobs. In fact, it's the same philosophy, except now to adults. I wish to open people's minds, help the become more confident not just in English but in life as well. Again, people have their freedom to sit themselves down and decide to learn or not. I could only help as much as their effort. Here I've met some great learners, unfortunately, and unfairly, some pretenders and freeloaders.
I make more or less about 50K on average, no tax. All the bills including rent, power, gas, water, internet, phone are about 20K. Food is shared with my wife and add it up with other expenses I have 10K-20K left. Generally speaking, I don't believe in institutions so no investment, no insurance, and my table acts as a branch of my bank (chuckles).
Where I'm getting at with all this information is this question:
"Can someone run out of motivation?"
I'm not complaining about my life nor I can. Life is actually decent and adequate. A few days ago I came across this notion which I acquired from my wife's status, "no regrets". I have taken chances and said to myself the same thing ever since. However, this idea of having no regrets have transformed into "I could die tomorrow and there wouldn't be any regrets". Once I said it aloud, it scared me. Could I have run out of motivation to ... live? It's not that everything I ever wanted has been accomplished although in the process. It's more about the fact that I don't really ask much or need much. Most people are driven by the money game. For a long time, I kind of despise them. I thought to myself that it's stupid to enslave yourselves for decades and enjoy retirement afterwards. I thought to myself that I've already retired because I'm living the life that I want and I would love to do what I'm doing forever.
Is there something fundamentally wrong with my lifestyle and philosophy? I didn't think so but still couldn't help but feel this deep void. Maybe I'm tired of being motivated. Maybe I should just go into the mountains, find myself a temple and just sit there forever. I'd probably just die though (laughing).
I apologize to whoever's reading that this isn't my usual writing. It was going to be about "Energy: What's So Green About It?". But I felt the need to let this rock off my mind. Have you ever felt the emptiness, the feeling that you've got what you need or that you got nothing you need? What is the purpose of life?
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