The "Communication" Among Us

We've all been there, thinking about why won't this person listen, why don't people understand, why, why, why...

The why is simple. We were not trying to communicate. Which of the following means two or more people are trying to have an understanding with one another?

talk, speak, say, chat, gossip, express,

articulate, enunciate, converse, discuss

consult, negotiate, debate, persuade

Communication is often mistaken with negotiation or persuasion. We try to talk to people and get manipulative when the results don't meet our expectations. This is called lying. Communication is often confused between acceptance and consensus. We try to win over a point and overpower the listeners. This is called debate. Communication is often misled to be lectures. We try to say as much as we could and as meaningful as we thought. This is called a monologue.

If education is everything, then communication is the root of everything. Since we spend our whole life communicating with others, we should really take a good look at how well we could do so.

With different age, people, background...etc., there are certainly different approaches. However, why don't we start from the beginning with "talking with children"? Talking to them seems to be two extremes, either very easy or difficult. Again, the way is simple. We tend to assume that because children are young and naive, they don't deserve the respect from us whether or not we notice it. Or we respect children too much and as a result spoiled them.

The key is respect. A healthy relationship is a balanced one, based on mutual respect. It doesn't mean anyone has to sacrifice anything. It doesn't mean everyone has the same of everything. It doesn't mean one has to listen to another because one must.

Do you talk "to" children or "with" children?

You can spot the difference in the relationship here. When we communicate, we respect, stand by and try to understand one another. Children and adult alike, no one wants to be in a situation where they have no voice. In such case, children would rebel and adult would repel.

That was how to communicate and now let's look at how not to communicate.

In this talk, the speaker kindly introduces the 7 sins in listening:

1. gossip (speaking ill of someone who's not present)

2. judging (criticize)

3. negativity (stops the conversation)

4. complaining (viral misery)

5. excuses (blame-thrower, irresponsible)

6. lying (exaggeration, nonfactual)

7. dogmatism (opinions in disguise as facts)

After all, it's not communication if there's no one listening.

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As learning how to communicate, I realize that it's about building a relationship that requires respect, maturity, and psychology. They are concepts that are very abstract but perhaps the most important abilities and skills in this era. To agree to disagree, to accept, to tolerate different ideologies or even opposite ones, are truly things that we need to learn because they're not talents we're born with. They are passive skills that are taught in everyday lessons. They are books and classes for it, yes, but I believe they need to be experienced before acquired.

I, myself also face this issue of miscommunication all the time, with my wife, students, clients, other professionals. We interrupt, argue points, take turns talking down to others... I guess by talking about this topic, I'm really more concerned about whether I do it the right way or not. I hope it to act as a reminder for all of us.

Finally, communication requires perspectives, learning to be in other people's shoes and to be empathetic.

#selfreflect