A New Era Begins

Last year we talked about "Your Last New Year's Resolution", and it was about finishing what had been started. This time, however, both the beginning of 2020 and the end of my 30 years of age, everything becomes darker.

2019 has been a calm year in terms of career. Things remain mostly the same. There have been some breakthrough moments though, such as having a trainee, turning two members teaching partners. We also had a visitor from New York, a tutor who had an interest in us and a school teacher who wanted to learn English. The best highlight yet, we are making videos!

(You may skip this following part unless you are interested in Andy's back story.)

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Personally speaking, I signed up for the triathlete competition even though not being able to swim well, went to Thailand and Vietnam, tried to cooperate with another industry, thought about starting a dog-walking part-time job in the morning, met a German person who's full of passion for Cup-sharing, and challenged scholars about the 2030 bilingual policy from the government though being neglected.

2019 was not a bad year except that towards the end, a lot of negative thoughts occurred due to the sound of some numbers. 2020 marks the beginning of a new era and also the end of my 30 years of life. How come I become this sentimental? I have set a timeline for most if not all, of my goals before 30 of age.

be born-> learn English-> get a real job-> become a teacher-> work overseas-> graduate

->become a manager->finally work for education->finally work in a public school->Start Free The Language->become financially independent-> teach overseas X2-> get married->children

2020 doesn't just mean the end of the past eras. It also means the end of my prime. I have lived a fruitful life and despite the difficulties, I could say with pride that no one else should be so lucky to experience such a fun ride.

My biggest regrets though are that I didn't get to do more than what I'm capable of and having no children. For the past 10 years and more I have searched in vain and found no one who both ideals and the capability to partner up. Young ones don't care and the older ones only care about money. It seems true that passion and profession cannot be in the same category thus confirming that I am in fact alone in this world.

For a long while, I thought I was a very positive person, spreading goodness and positive energy to others but it turned out that I've only been fooling myself and constantly forcing to be in the light. Apologies for those who were affected. I know how much of a downer I may be sometimes. Knowing this hurts me in the guts because I was meant to inspire.

For 30 years I had been relatively young, both in appearance and behavior. There is so much more depth that I would like to push. I want to make Taiwan a bilingual nation and has an actual and better plan than the existing one; I want to help more parents learn how to educate their children; I want to promote a reform for our education. All of that I am able but cannot do. Then comes the aging process that finally catches up. I am not who I was once was, the same idealistic but trapped in a decaying model. Overstatement? Once you feel it, you cannot undo it. I had a good run but the bill must come due.

The world consumes. In the beginning, I had blindness for having children simply out of affection. As I evolve, came purpose and moral obligation for the society but one can only fight alone for so long until shutdown and my purpose evolved as well. Maybe I wasn't meant to change the world but merely my world. Is it possible that I am the sole person that was ever inspired by me? Having this thought, the blind love for having children of my own turned into something radical and unexpectedly similar to how I see my birth mother. Is my purpose in this world to bring children to life? If that is the one and only reason I was here at all, I failed. I must admit that I thought working with children could help ease this void but I was wrong.

Every time through this stream of consciousness, this free-thinking and holding nothing back has tortured me. I made very bad decisions and judgement being this negative. I wish I was not a thinker but I am. Often times in this negativity, my mind plays this time-travel game.

-I wish I had never came back to Taiwan

-I wish I had just stayed making money in cram schools like everyone else

-I wish I had married someone stupid and just have lots of kids

- I wish I had no principles

Things that I wish otherwise but deep down I know that it would be worse if it did. That's how conflicted my mind has become. The lid has been taken down.

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2020 looks promising. There are already some updates waiting to happen. We will finally make new arrangements for the website, some learners are coming back and some are waiting to join. We wish you all to find the strength to keep going forward in 2020.

Here's to us all. Cheers! May we look back again at the end of 2029.

#selfreflect